3.12.2006
Paganism, Polyamory, Polygamy
It is time to have a frank discussion about polyamory within modern Paganism. It is time because the issue of multiple spouses has hit the mainstream, thanks to the new HBO series "Big Love". "Big Love" is about a fictional Mormon family who has broken away from a corrupt polygamist compound and their attempts to live in "normal" society while hiding their lifestyle.
Big Love: Bill Henrickson with his wives Barb, Nicki and Margene
The sexual and moral ethics of the cultures presented in the show have little to do with the free-spirited and often gynecentric culture of polyamory. While both polygamy and polyamory deal with multiple romantic and sexual partners, the gulf between the often abusive and patriarchal values of traditional polygamy and the careful, often queer-friendly atmosphere of typical polyamory is wide. It is thanks to this gulf that few reporters have made the connection. But as conservative religious reporters seek to make the issue of multi-spouse families into a "liberal" one, you can bet that stories tying the two lifestyles together are right around the corner.
Modern Paganism should be concerned about polyamory being plunged into the sexual morality culture wars, since a great number of our leaders, authors, and activists are openly polyamorous. This includes Oberon and Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, Isaac Bonewits, Raven Kaldera (author of "Pagan Polyamory"), Joi Wolfwomyn, and Elizabeth Barrette (Managing Editor of PanGaia), amongst many others.
The Ravenhearts
Modern Paganism is one of the only faith groupings that have given a full welcome to polyamorous families and individuals. Not even the ultra-inclusive (and ultra-liberal) Unitarian Universalists have welcomed poly families in any official sense. Yet for years now, Wiccan, Pagan, and Heathen groups have been officiating and giving blessings to poly marriages and their rites of passage. Freed from the notion that any sexual impulse outside those approved of by the dominant monotheisms is sinful or harmful, Pagans have generally been free to decide on a small-scale and individual basis what lifestyles are the "correct" ones for ourselves. This has been to our great credit. But now we need to prepare ourselves for a possible savaging from a media interested only in scandal and spectacle.
I predict that newsmedia are going to start looking for their own local "Big Love" stories. The chance of a Pagan poly family getting interviewed is going to be high. Those who would like nothing more than to discredit our faiths will hold us up as examples of the "slippery slope" that occurs when you allow LBGT folks equal human rights.
Some Pagans may be tempted to write off, or at least closet, our poly folks, in order to continue to obtain the incremental mainstream acceptance we have gained. We musn't give in to this urge. If anything, our national and regional groups need to be ready with accurate, compassionate language that accepts polyamory as one acceptable choice among many choices open to those who worship in a Pagan faith. We must stand our ground and differentiate how a Pagan approach to a multiple-partner relationship is radically different from the more paternalistic strains found amongst some Mormons and other religious fundamentalists.
There are times to go back into the "broom closet", and of course we want to pick our battles wisely. But I think that the stakes will soon become too high to not speak truth to power on this issue.
It is time to have a frank discussion about polyamory within modern Paganism. It is time because the issue of multiple spouses has hit the mainstream, thanks to the new HBO series "Big Love". "Big Love" is about a fictional Mormon family who has broken away from a corrupt polygamist compound and their attempts to live in "normal" society while hiding their lifestyle.
Big Love: Bill Henrickson with his wives Barb, Nicki and Margene
The sexual and moral ethics of the cultures presented in the show have little to do with the free-spirited and often gynecentric culture of polyamory. While both polygamy and polyamory deal with multiple romantic and sexual partners, the gulf between the often abusive and patriarchal values of traditional polygamy and the careful, often queer-friendly atmosphere of typical polyamory is wide. It is thanks to this gulf that few reporters have made the connection. But as conservative religious reporters seek to make the issue of multi-spouse families into a "liberal" one, you can bet that stories tying the two lifestyles together are right around the corner.
Modern Paganism should be concerned about polyamory being plunged into the sexual morality culture wars, since a great number of our leaders, authors, and activists are openly polyamorous. This includes Oberon and Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, Isaac Bonewits, Raven Kaldera (author of "Pagan Polyamory"), Joi Wolfwomyn, and Elizabeth Barrette (Managing Editor of PanGaia), amongst many others.
The Ravenhearts
Modern Paganism is one of the only faith groupings that have given a full welcome to polyamorous families and individuals. Not even the ultra-inclusive (and ultra-liberal) Unitarian Universalists have welcomed poly families in any official sense. Yet for years now, Wiccan, Pagan, and Heathen groups have been officiating and giving blessings to poly marriages and their rites of passage. Freed from the notion that any sexual impulse outside those approved of by the dominant monotheisms is sinful or harmful, Pagans have generally been free to decide on a small-scale and individual basis what lifestyles are the "correct" ones for ourselves. This has been to our great credit. But now we need to prepare ourselves for a possible savaging from a media interested only in scandal and spectacle.
I predict that newsmedia are going to start looking for their own local "Big Love" stories. The chance of a Pagan poly family getting interviewed is going to be high. Those who would like nothing more than to discredit our faiths will hold us up as examples of the "slippery slope" that occurs when you allow LBGT folks equal human rights.
Some Pagans may be tempted to write off, or at least closet, our poly folks, in order to continue to obtain the incremental mainstream acceptance we have gained. We musn't give in to this urge. If anything, our national and regional groups need to be ready with accurate, compassionate language that accepts polyamory as one acceptable choice among many choices open to those who worship in a Pagan faith. We must stand our ground and differentiate how a Pagan approach to a multiple-partner relationship is radically different from the more paternalistic strains found amongst some Mormons and other religious fundamentalists.
There are times to go back into the "broom closet", and of course we want to pick our battles wisely. But I think that the stakes will soon become too high to not speak truth to power on this issue.
Comments:
I have a wife and 3 girlfriends...and live in N. California.....and know many polyamorists, pagans, etc......
I think the show Big Love is terrific....and we alternative types should support it...the acting is great, the characters are believable...and show a rare though genuine side of a hidden American lifestyle. I don't care if they are Republicans...and don't smoke pot...the family understands the bigger issue that it is possible to love and be married to more than one person.
It is a start. We should all watch it. THANKS!
I am a female in my 30's. I have always been a Pagan. My husband grew up saying that he was a Christian, because that's what his family said they were, but he never really felt like a Christian. After a few years of marriage, he too, became aware that his beliefs were just like mine, and now he is also a Pagan.
Several months ago, we met another woman, and we both fell in love with her. We are now in a polygamus relationship, and we love it. It is different for us, and there is no one we know that is in the same situation, but it works for us. We wish we could openly have this relationship, but we live in the bible belt. Things in a small town are very different, and the people are not as open-minded and tolerant of beliefs that they do not share.
If there are more of us out there, who enjoy a loving and honest polygamus relationship...we should get together, chat, discuss, share what it is that makes us who we are and how we are as normal as the couple next door. Polygamy should be a recognised and normal relationship choice for those of us who wish to enter into it.
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I have a wife and 3 girlfriends...and live in N. California.....and know many polyamorists, pagans, etc......
I think the show Big Love is terrific....and we alternative types should support it...the acting is great, the characters are believable...and show a rare though genuine side of a hidden American lifestyle. I don't care if they are Republicans...and don't smoke pot...the family understands the bigger issue that it is possible to love and be married to more than one person.
It is a start. We should all watch it. THANKS!
I am a female in my 30's. I have always been a Pagan. My husband grew up saying that he was a Christian, because that's what his family said they were, but he never really felt like a Christian. After a few years of marriage, he too, became aware that his beliefs were just like mine, and now he is also a Pagan.
Several months ago, we met another woman, and we both fell in love with her. We are now in a polygamus relationship, and we love it. It is different for us, and there is no one we know that is in the same situation, but it works for us. We wish we could openly have this relationship, but we live in the bible belt. Things in a small town are very different, and the people are not as open-minded and tolerant of beliefs that they do not share.
If there are more of us out there, who enjoy a loving and honest polygamus relationship...we should get together, chat, discuss, share what it is that makes us who we are and how we are as normal as the couple next door. Polygamy should be a recognised and normal relationship choice for those of us who wish to enter into it.
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