the fiscal as sacred

I've been working on my relationship with money for the past year or so.  At 18, I went straight from my parents' home to sharing an apartment, and a bank account, with my spouse-to-be.  I had, until a year ago, 11 years after leaving my parent's home, never been fiscally independent a day in my life.
 
My parents have great credit, although when I was a child, they had no savings, no retirement plan - nada.  Money and bill paying was a big secret in my home that had to do with mom being in a bad mood, a spiral notebook she kept hidden, a pile of mail and a closed bedroom door.  The only thing I was ever told about money was that we didn't have any.  I never had an allowance or any money of my own until I got a part-time job a 16.  Most of the money from that job went to the Denny's restuarant chain after work when my friends and I spent hours and hours hanging out there, getting a late dinner after the mall closed and drinking endless cups of coffee.  What was left of my paltrey earnings was spent on too many crapy Llewelyn books and too much sterling silver jewelry. 
 
I jumped from my parent's place into my first apartment with my soon-to-be spouse.  No education and no experience with money left us both ill prepared for the job market and the reality of barely-above-the-poverty-line living.  We sure were handed alot of credit card applications after our wedding, though, and we applied for everyone and promptly maxed them out.  Digging ourselves out of that took quite a few years.
 
My approach to money has always been to close my eyes, do my best not to look and deal with the mess afterwards, or better, find someone else to deal with it.  I couldn't call a utility company to straighten out a bill without hyperventilating.  The mantra trapped in my head went something like this, 'I am terrible with money, I can't handle money issues, I will screw it up, I will always be poor, I will never have enough.'  Despite being a practicing pagan since I was 16 and knowing that your thoughts create your reality, I didn't know how to really *believe* or live this knowledge.  And so when money came up my breath would get short and I'd begin the chant in my head, creating a spiralling mess of a fiscal reality.
 
At age 29, after 9 years of marriage, my partner and I decided to dissolve our union.  We had never had much, didn't own anything other than books, hand-me-down furniture, and basic housewares so when it came to fiscally spliting up, there wasn't much to haggle over or sort out.  Yet, I have never been so panicked, fiscally, in my life.  Never having been on my own, how would I survive?  My negative money mantra came back with a vengence despite the fact that I was holding down one of the best paid jobs of my life with every sign that it was secure with a promotion in the wings.  Still, I was making under $15K a year, owned nothing and now would be on my own.  Its not that my spouse had handled all the bills up to this point and I didn't know how, its that we both basically didn't handle the bills at all, either of us.  The bills just got lost and left even when we had enough money to pay them because we didn't want to deal.  When it came to money, we never wanted to deal.  Terror and fear of our own poverty ruled almost every decision.
 
I put off the financial seperation from my spouse as long as possible, but when it finally happened, I was surprised by the giddy feeling of independence and freedom.  Instead of feeling panicked and incapable, I felt tough, my spine stiffened.  There was no one else to save me from this now, I was going to have to pick up my head and figure out all the things I had never been taught, like how to balance a checkbook, create a fiscal budget and make a rainy day plan because, now, there would be no one to rely on but me.  There was no choice left but to take a deep breath when the panic hit, ball my hands into fists and will myself to face what I had been running from all my life.  I didn't want to know how little I had, how broke I was, I just refused to look.  I had learned from my parents that money was something people like me just never had and that most of life's sorrow came from the constant, uncontrolable pitfalls of fiscal life.  Now, no matter how I feared what I would see, I had to face it. 
 
What I 'saw' when I finally looked at my fiscal life wasn't what I expected.  Sure, I didn't, and still don't, have much compared to the 'ideal' of the middle-class, American family I am spon-fed to believe I need and want to be like.  I own no vehicle.  My credit is shot.  I don't have cable, can't afford to buy my clothes first-hand unless on a fabulous sale on rare occasion and I can't afford to go to the movies very often.  When I sat down and looked at the numbers, my fiscal reality, I had to face what 'living within my means' would look like.  I thought it would depress me.  It did not.  It was such a relief to finally just accept it, all that energy once thrown into denial was now free to hold me up and give my strength.  I had faced it.  I knew my bank balance.  I paid all my bills on time.  I shopped for only what I could afford and needed.  And I felt freer than I ever have before.
 
The blessing I never saw coming when I first sat down with a calculator and my pay stub, shaking and on the verge of tears with fear, was the abundance that would be revealed to me.    When I stopped fearing the poverty I was told by society I was living in, the tint of my glasses changed hue.  In open and un-fearful colors I saw my life anew and what I saw overwhelmed me.  I was weathly in blessings.  I could suddenly see that although I made less money than many, many people, I enjoyed my job, loved my co-workers and felt valued and respected in my work.  How many people can boast that? 
 
 I was suddenly deeply aware that, athough I rented, I lived in a home that was more than adequate for my needs. I could have my beloved pets, I could paint the walls any joyous color I pleased, my landlord was reasonable and fair.  The house was a wonderful walking distance from my bank, library, post office, food co-op and work.  I had the joy of having my own garden for the first time ever at this home and the yard has been my playground to do with as I pleased, despite not owning the property.  The neighborhood was full of trees and friendly people walking and biking everywhere.  How could I not feel lucky when considering the living conditions of millions of others in my own country, not to mention the world, that are unsafe and spiritually crushing?  How did I miss all this bounty?
 
I have enough, all my needs are met and then some.  When I stopped running from the numbers in my life and took responsibility for them, the myth that happiness and wealth are things to be attained fiscally through constant shopping and buying and consuming fell away.  I learned all of this because my back was up against a wall and my choices about the matter had narrowed to two, sink alone or learn to swim, not because I had done a spell for money luck or enacted a ritual to a prosperity god.  Like most of the enlightenment that has come into my life, it was not a graceful process nor a particularly dignified one.  Although a few candles were burnt to help me through the times when I wanted to quit and floor washes were applied to help me attract assistance I needed, the real force to make this change came from within, from finding the courage to face this one little corner of my ability to co-create the universe and my life.  I did not have to live in fear, nor do I have to live in emotional poverty just because I don't have much money.  The choice was mine.
 
By facing my fiscal situation at the very bottom rung of supposedly middle-class America and opening my eyes to the richness in my life I have not, therefore, accepted the fiscal climate of my country and become the Polyanna of the paycheck to paycheck working almost-poor.  My willingness to enjoy the blessings of my physical and fiscal life have not changed my views on our corrupt taxation system, rotting healthcare system nor on corporate criminal greed at the expense of our environment and our families.   This system is not fair and I, like many, am only a paycheck or two from the street, I can barely afford my 'healthcare' plan and I have almost no savings to speak of.  I worry about my future and what I will do if I get sick or when I get too old to work and if there will even be jobs available if I am hail enough to work them.  But as I educate myself, speak up about our unacceptable system and work to make changes in it, I will no longer allow fear to rob me of the blessings I do have. 
 
The next step for me is to take the embracing of my fiscal reality, or my 'green energy' as an old mentor of mine called it, to the next level.  I need to go beyond using sheer will, I need to trust.  In my head, I believe in a universe that will meet my needs and expectations if I open myself to it and believe I am worthy.  In my head, I believe giving to my community and to support worthy causes buoys this flow of energy and will bring back more blessings and 'green energy' to me.  When we stop clutching in desperation to what little we have, we free the energy of life to come into our life.  That all sounds good, in my head.  But oh, putting our 'beliefs' into action, that's the bitch, eh?
 
So here's my plan:
I took out the once-feared calculator and did the two seconds of math to find out what 5% of my monthly income is.  I've decided as sacred act to begin to align my beliefs about money and my reality, I will donate that 5% per month to charities and causes I believe in.  I all ready do donate to causes and on many occasions, I've donated far more than 5% of a month's income, but now I will do it as a sacred, conscious act, an act of spiritual self-care.  I have taken a spiral notebook a dear friend gifted to me when she moved away, and dedicated it to my new purpose.  In it, I record the amount of each bi-monthly pay check I receive and what 5% of that amount is.  Then, under this, I record where I have sent this money off into the world.  Its funny how life circles on itself - my mother's spiral notebook of fiscal secrets and doom from my childhood has become the spiral of fiscal trust and hope in my now.  I have made my first recordings in it just this week and sent off my dollar seeds to organizations for human rights, fair elections and education. 
 
Next up, taking a look at my blighted credit reports and beginning the long, tedious process of sending off letters and waiting for replies in hopes of ammending it.  I've read the books on how to do this and I know what I have to do and I've felt the fear - and it may take me time to find the courage, but I will.  I've put the credit reports, still folded in their envelopes, on my altar.  I've lit my candles for courage and I've been meditating on finding the roots of the fear that block me from acting.  Its only a matter of time before I open myself to the divine universe and stop clutching and closing my eyes.  Wish me luck.
 
 
 
 
 
 


1:41 PM (8) Blogger comments | |

  Playing with Matches

Last month, Llewellyn author, Raven Grimassi, posted an eloquently-worded call for Pagans, Witches and Wiccans of all stripes to participate in a synchronized ritual this October to restore "the freedom and the courage that has long been the hallmark of this [American] Nation." He uses stirring language about the non-conformist spirit of pagans, a collective spirit that could be harnessed to undermine those who would make us sheep in our own land. I read on, interested in what he would ultimately propose, how he would suggest we take the historic concept of the Needfire and make it fit our modern, American needs. I guess I should have seen it coming. Actually, I guessed where he might go with the ritual/spell itself, but I was trying to be optimistic.

Grimassi suggests that pagans "join as a people and raise a Needfire for the Nation." Alrighty, I am with him so far. Collective force toward a common goal, executed in our own towns and homes all over the land we seek to effect. Check. Sounds like a reasonable start.

Grimassi goes on to explain, "the ancient Needfire was kindled by friction and then fed with logs of birch, elm, hazel, holly, oak, pine, rowan, willow and yew."

Okay, I admit, I've only done my research on Needfires on the net over the last 30 minutes. That said, all information I can find on the historical concept of the Needfire and similar rites make clear that the tradition has been found all over the world and that each culture had their own ways and reasons for enacting the rite, as well as their own ideas on which specific woods must be used for this rite. Nowhere did I find this specific list of trees, and it was definitely not in any of the factual texts I found on Needfires in antiquity. The list of trees provided by Grimassi doesn't seem to come from any historical text and is quiet clearly Euro-centric. But, hey, okay, he makes it sound like these are the sacred trees used in all ancient Needfires and that isn't really quite accurate, but his intentions are good. And maybe, cross your fingers, he doesn't really intend to suggest we use these specific European woods for an American ritual to draw up the spirit of the American land and the spirit of the multi-cultural American people. Let's be optimistic and read on.

"Torches were then lighted from the bonfire and carried to each home to relight the hearth fire. In this way the renewed spirit of the land passed into each home within the Kingdom."

Hmm. I hate to be knit-picky, but the U.S. is not a kingdom. Some of us might argue that the man chosen by our Supreme Court to sit in the White House right now often acts like he thinks he's the king (or dictator) of our country and that that is a good part of the problem with the last four years he's held office. I'd let this point go, but then Grimassi goes on to say the following:

"In Arthurian legend we find the theme that the land and the King are one. The well- being of the King is reflected in the well-being of the Kingdom. If the King fails then the Kingdom perishes. This covenant is essential to the fire that gives vitality to the spirit of the land."

In the next paragraph, the very next line goes on to say:

"When we look at our Kingdom today we find it in great peril and in economic strife."

Whoa. When did we become a kingdom over here? Did I miss it because I don't watch television and rarely read 'mainstream' news? Nah, I don't think so. Grimassi is trying to draw a parallel between Arthurian myth cycles and our modern day country - one a monarchy of ancient legend, one a troubled democracy very much of the here and now. I don't question that Grimassi realizes this is a democratic country and not a monarchy, or that he intended to imply otherwise. What I question is this - what is he doing evoking the idea of our land as a Kingdom, with Bush as its failing King, as the conceptual basis of a working to make contact with the spirit of this democratic Land? Grimassi asks us to work with him to call forth a spirit of strong and revitalized democracy - by putting the idea of sacred monarchy in our heads? I'd have to argue that this is a very flawed myth to basis such a working on.

But let's get back to the ritual at hand, shall we? Let's hear out Grimassi's idea for how to adapt the ancient ritual of the Needfire to suit our modern lives so that all may participate, whether they have a nice private grove to start a fire in or not.

"I suggest replacing the nine logs with nine pieces of paper upon which the names of the trees are written. Beneath each name can then be written a desired quality. Using a metal bowl or cauldron the papers can be fed to the flame in a symbolic passing of each specific nature. These natures will then reside within the Needfire. To create the Needfire we can use a wooden match, which will honor the ancient custom of employing friction to ignite the Needfire"

Seems I was too optimistic. There are so many problems with this ritual design, the description of which begins with the above paragraph, it's hard to know where to begin. Grimassi does decide to suggest that we use his aforementioned list of European sacred trees and, after this quote, goes on to give a one word meaning for each of the trees.

"The following is a suggested list of correspondences: Birch - Forthright; Elm - Enduring; Hazel - Wise; Holly - Tenacious; Oak - Truthful; Pine - Visionary; Rowan - Courageous; Willow - Honoring; Yew - Intuitive"

"The basic idea is to pass these traits into the Needfire, which in turn passes them to the spirit of the land. The full moon in October precedes the presidential election, and so the spirit of the land resonates at the core of the process. Like the legendary sword Excalibur that drew King Arthur, so too is the role of the spirit of the land."

Throughout the written call, Grimassi has used references to northwest European myth, specifically, Arthurian myth. The list of trees we are encouraged to use here are a list of British Isle natives that figure prominently in the sacred text of that Land. Granted, eight of the nine types of trees listed here can be found in some native form in America, albeit some are native to only very limited regions of our country and one, Rowan, exists in no native form in the States.

One of the distressing issues behind the choice of these trees is that it is very, very likely they were chosen for their 'sacred' status in northern European lore and Grimassi is striving here to gather us to work together to "re-boot" the sprit of the American Land, while summoning up inspiration from northern European king myths. This not only makes for ritual where the energies will likely be inappropriate to the goal and ineffective, it highlights the more troubling undercurrent of a Eurocentrism so often entrenched in mainstream neo-paganism as to be almost constantly present, but unnoticed and in the majority of cases, un-remarked upon.

Grimassi suggests that there, indeed, is a unified American spirit of the Land to call on. If there is such a spirit of the Land that is aligned with the young and turbulent democracy that has sat upon it for such a brief time, wouldn't it make sense to honor it by calling it with its own sacred trees and using myths born of its spirit? If so, why did Grimassi use these ideas and images as the basis of his suggested a ritual? I greatly doubt that the author meant to disrespect any other culture, but by focusing on the Needfire rite, a spiritual tradition that has been found in numerous cultures and forms throughout the world, as a British Isles tradition and by claiming the trees used in sacred Needfires are the ones he lists above, he displays a discomforting Euro-centrism.

So here we are, trying to revitalize or "re-boot", as Grimassi refers to it at one point in his call, the spirit of the land with European trees, Arthurian myth playing through our minds and, now, some little slips of paper and a cauldron or metal bowl. We are asked to write the names of the nine trees on nine pieces of paper and remember that these tree names, which many of us have no deep connection to in the first place seeing as they play an important role in a very small minority of American lives, represent concepts Grimassi outlines. Got that? Write names of trees on scraps of paper which will then symbolically stand in for the actual wood of the trees and these tree names are actually symbols for nine broad and vague principals that we are going to then set on fire so they are part of the Needfire which we are calling to revitalize the land or to chose the next president or some such. Grimassi's claim that, "Like the legendary sword Excalibur that drew King Arthur, so too is the role of the spirit of the land," makes it a little unclear if we are calling the spirit of the Land or if we are asking the Land to influence the next "King" election in November.

Whew. Now we'll just light a black candle to symbolize the "afflicted spirit of the land", put it out, then "to create the Needfire we can use a wooden match, which will honor the ancient custom of employing friction to ignite the Needfire" and with this we'll light the pieces of paper on fire to release the principles into the flame and then light a larger, white candle "to capture the joined essence of the indwelling spirit."

And there you have it, using slips of paper, two candles and a match, we have recreated the very powerful, and used only in times of great need, ritual of our ancestors, the Needfire. I am struggling not to use a caustic tone when I say that I have doubts that this ritual will in any way recreate the power of the ritual of our ancestors.

Grimassi's call has all the signs of the very best intentions but it's not clear, in the end, what exactly he intends his community ritual to do. Grimassi ends with, "naturally you can modify what I've suggested or even create your own ritual." That is accommodating of him and kind of covers his butt - hey, he didn't tell us that we had to do the ritual his way to participate - and while that is true, I personally expect a more cohesive base for all those who want to participate to work around with clear goals from someone who is an experienced ritualist and who puts himself forward as a leader within pagan community. Eloquent writing aside, Grimassi fails to provide an effective ritual.

Personally, I'll be doing my ritual for a healthier America by showing up at the polls in November and by putting my energy into volunteering for and donating to the fights to right this country that I believe in.


12:07 PM (2) Blogger comments | |