the fiscal as sacred

I've been working on my relationship with money for the past year or so.  At 18, I went straight from my parents' home to sharing an apartment, and a bank account, with my spouse-to-be.  I had, until a year ago, 11 years after leaving my parent's home, never been fiscally independent a day in my life.
 
My parents have great credit, although when I was a child, they had no savings, no retirement plan - nada.  Money and bill paying was a big secret in my home that had to do with mom being in a bad mood, a spiral notebook she kept hidden, a pile of mail and a closed bedroom door.  The only thing I was ever told about money was that we didn't have any.  I never had an allowance or any money of my own until I got a part-time job a 16.  Most of the money from that job went to the Denny's restuarant chain after work when my friends and I spent hours and hours hanging out there, getting a late dinner after the mall closed and drinking endless cups of coffee.  What was left of my paltrey earnings was spent on too many crapy Llewelyn books and too much sterling silver jewelry. 
 
I jumped from my parent's place into my first apartment with my soon-to-be spouse.  No education and no experience with money left us both ill prepared for the job market and the reality of barely-above-the-poverty-line living.  We sure were handed alot of credit card applications after our wedding, though, and we applied for everyone and promptly maxed them out.  Digging ourselves out of that took quite a few years.
 
My approach to money has always been to close my eyes, do my best not to look and deal with the mess afterwards, or better, find someone else to deal with it.  I couldn't call a utility company to straighten out a bill without hyperventilating.  The mantra trapped in my head went something like this, 'I am terrible with money, I can't handle money issues, I will screw it up, I will always be poor, I will never have enough.'  Despite being a practicing pagan since I was 16 and knowing that your thoughts create your reality, I didn't know how to really *believe* or live this knowledge.  And so when money came up my breath would get short and I'd begin the chant in my head, creating a spiralling mess of a fiscal reality.
 
At age 29, after 9 years of marriage, my partner and I decided to dissolve our union.  We had never had much, didn't own anything other than books, hand-me-down furniture, and basic housewares so when it came to fiscally spliting up, there wasn't much to haggle over or sort out.  Yet, I have never been so panicked, fiscally, in my life.  Never having been on my own, how would I survive?  My negative money mantra came back with a vengence despite the fact that I was holding down one of the best paid jobs of my life with every sign that it was secure with a promotion in the wings.  Still, I was making under $15K a year, owned nothing and now would be on my own.  Its not that my spouse had handled all the bills up to this point and I didn't know how, its that we both basically didn't handle the bills at all, either of us.  The bills just got lost and left even when we had enough money to pay them because we didn't want to deal.  When it came to money, we never wanted to deal.  Terror and fear of our own poverty ruled almost every decision.
 
I put off the financial seperation from my spouse as long as possible, but when it finally happened, I was surprised by the giddy feeling of independence and freedom.  Instead of feeling panicked and incapable, I felt tough, my spine stiffened.  There was no one else to save me from this now, I was going to have to pick up my head and figure out all the things I had never been taught, like how to balance a checkbook, create a fiscal budget and make a rainy day plan because, now, there would be no one to rely on but me.  There was no choice left but to take a deep breath when the panic hit, ball my hands into fists and will myself to face what I had been running from all my life.  I didn't want to know how little I had, how broke I was, I just refused to look.  I had learned from my parents that money was something people like me just never had and that most of life's sorrow came from the constant, uncontrolable pitfalls of fiscal life.  Now, no matter how I feared what I would see, I had to face it. 
 
What I 'saw' when I finally looked at my fiscal life wasn't what I expected.  Sure, I didn't, and still don't, have much compared to the 'ideal' of the middle-class, American family I am spon-fed to believe I need and want to be like.  I own no vehicle.  My credit is shot.  I don't have cable, can't afford to buy my clothes first-hand unless on a fabulous sale on rare occasion and I can't afford to go to the movies very often.  When I sat down and looked at the numbers, my fiscal reality, I had to face what 'living within my means' would look like.  I thought it would depress me.  It did not.  It was such a relief to finally just accept it, all that energy once thrown into denial was now free to hold me up and give my strength.  I had faced it.  I knew my bank balance.  I paid all my bills on time.  I shopped for only what I could afford and needed.  And I felt freer than I ever have before.
 
The blessing I never saw coming when I first sat down with a calculator and my pay stub, shaking and on the verge of tears with fear, was the abundance that would be revealed to me.    When I stopped fearing the poverty I was told by society I was living in, the tint of my glasses changed hue.  In open and un-fearful colors I saw my life anew and what I saw overwhelmed me.  I was weathly in blessings.  I could suddenly see that although I made less money than many, many people, I enjoyed my job, loved my co-workers and felt valued and respected in my work.  How many people can boast that? 
 
 I was suddenly deeply aware that, athough I rented, I lived in a home that was more than adequate for my needs. I could have my beloved pets, I could paint the walls any joyous color I pleased, my landlord was reasonable and fair.  The house was a wonderful walking distance from my bank, library, post office, food co-op and work.  I had the joy of having my own garden for the first time ever at this home and the yard has been my playground to do with as I pleased, despite not owning the property.  The neighborhood was full of trees and friendly people walking and biking everywhere.  How could I not feel lucky when considering the living conditions of millions of others in my own country, not to mention the world, that are unsafe and spiritually crushing?  How did I miss all this bounty?
 
I have enough, all my needs are met and then some.  When I stopped running from the numbers in my life and took responsibility for them, the myth that happiness and wealth are things to be attained fiscally through constant shopping and buying and consuming fell away.  I learned all of this because my back was up against a wall and my choices about the matter had narrowed to two, sink alone or learn to swim, not because I had done a spell for money luck or enacted a ritual to a prosperity god.  Like most of the enlightenment that has come into my life, it was not a graceful process nor a particularly dignified one.  Although a few candles were burnt to help me through the times when I wanted to quit and floor washes were applied to help me attract assistance I needed, the real force to make this change came from within, from finding the courage to face this one little corner of my ability to co-create the universe and my life.  I did not have to live in fear, nor do I have to live in emotional poverty just because I don't have much money.  The choice was mine.
 
By facing my fiscal situation at the very bottom rung of supposedly middle-class America and opening my eyes to the richness in my life I have not, therefore, accepted the fiscal climate of my country and become the Polyanna of the paycheck to paycheck working almost-poor.  My willingness to enjoy the blessings of my physical and fiscal life have not changed my views on our corrupt taxation system, rotting healthcare system nor on corporate criminal greed at the expense of our environment and our families.   This system is not fair and I, like many, am only a paycheck or two from the street, I can barely afford my 'healthcare' plan and I have almost no savings to speak of.  I worry about my future and what I will do if I get sick or when I get too old to work and if there will even be jobs available if I am hail enough to work them.  But as I educate myself, speak up about our unacceptable system and work to make changes in it, I will no longer allow fear to rob me of the blessings I do have. 
 
The next step for me is to take the embracing of my fiscal reality, or my 'green energy' as an old mentor of mine called it, to the next level.  I need to go beyond using sheer will, I need to trust.  In my head, I believe in a universe that will meet my needs and expectations if I open myself to it and believe I am worthy.  In my head, I believe giving to my community and to support worthy causes buoys this flow of energy and will bring back more blessings and 'green energy' to me.  When we stop clutching in desperation to what little we have, we free the energy of life to come into our life.  That all sounds good, in my head.  But oh, putting our 'beliefs' into action, that's the bitch, eh?
 
So here's my plan:
I took out the once-feared calculator and did the two seconds of math to find out what 5% of my monthly income is.  I've decided as sacred act to begin to align my beliefs about money and my reality, I will donate that 5% per month to charities and causes I believe in.  I all ready do donate to causes and on many occasions, I've donated far more than 5% of a month's income, but now I will do it as a sacred, conscious act, an act of spiritual self-care.  I have taken a spiral notebook a dear friend gifted to me when she moved away, and dedicated it to my new purpose.  In it, I record the amount of each bi-monthly pay check I receive and what 5% of that amount is.  Then, under this, I record where I have sent this money off into the world.  Its funny how life circles on itself - my mother's spiral notebook of fiscal secrets and doom from my childhood has become the spiral of fiscal trust and hope in my now.  I have made my first recordings in it just this week and sent off my dollar seeds to organizations for human rights, fair elections and education. 
 
Next up, taking a look at my blighted credit reports and beginning the long, tedious process of sending off letters and waiting for replies in hopes of ammending it.  I've read the books on how to do this and I know what I have to do and I've felt the fear - and it may take me time to find the courage, but I will.  I've put the credit reports, still folded in their envelopes, on my altar.  I've lit my candles for courage and I've been meditating on finding the roots of the fear that block me from acting.  Its only a matter of time before I open myself to the divine universe and stop clutching and closing my eyes.  Wish me luck.
 
 
 
 
 
 


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